Impersonal selves

Impersonal selves

There are lots of inner selves like super-responsible pusher and the logical mind who work at the impersonal level. They are the ones that allow a wide range of safe communication ranging from distant and formal to a kind of impersonal linking involving trust, yet maintaining the ability to draw back as much as needed should things get too close.

When you are under the influence of an impersonal self, you will feel more protected because it helps you maintain a safer distance and better separation from other people. So if you need strong protection and strong boundaries the impersonal selves can do the job. Your boundary system operates best however when it is runing from your grown-up self aware position, not being run by a group of selves. See Boundaries.

Impersonal topics keep you more protected and less connected

When we are using our impersonal channel we keep rather carefully to safe topics, that is topics of conversation that will keep the discussion safely away from anything which might bring up or even give the other person a hint as to our vulnerability. The less connected you feel, the better protected you are. So, most impersonal conversation does not even get as far as revealing much at all about what we are feeling.

Notice also how few of the topics below involve anything that the people talking about have any power to change, fix or improve no matter how they feel about the topic.

Typical impersonal topics might be more about:

impersonal events or activities - weather and government policy, sport, television,
impersonal objects, cars, clothing, houses, furniture.
other people particularly others who are not in the room. Also their impersonal objects their jobs, their faults, and their activities. (their sport, their finances, their politics, their cars, their clothing, their pets).
the past rather than the present, but only those topics from the past that are safe and impersonal.
impersonal things that I did recently or will be doing, playing sport, watching television, getting drunk, gambling, business or work-related activities.
impersonal problems that I might do something to change such as finance, accommodation, transport, computers and my lack of time
impersonal thoughts or ideas. For example quoting ideas from books or well known authorities. This helps to avoid expressing personal views, thoughts or feelings on the subject.

SHARING IMPERSONAL FEELINGS

There may be some feelings that we feel safe sharing on our impersonal channel. Sharing your impersonal feelings might involve telling other people more about how you were stressed during the day. They don’t tell much at all about any personal issues or who you really are or what’s going on inside you. It's more likely that they will help illustrate what you do when you connect with other people through your impersonal channels.

Examples of less personal or impersonal feelings:

I am feeling busy, energised, successful, happy, hopeful, hurt, horny, disappointed, depressed, respected, valued, I feel I don’t matter, I feel worthwhile, worthless, anxious, frustrated, angry, tired.

Notice that with impersonal feelings it’s very easy to conclude that it is another person who is largely the cause of that particular feeling. This is of course one of the deepest issues that we need to change.

FALSE IMPERSONAL FEELINGS

The following negative expressions are not sharing any real feeling, even an impersonal one. Examples: “I feel that you ..(don’t care)….(are angry with me)” or

“I feel that they…..(don’t like me)….(are trying to manipulate me)….(just want … xxx …from me) etc.”

If the words “I feel” are followed by a reference to someone else, it is an impersonal thought or prediction. If there is a feeling behind the impersonal thought it might be for example, fear, stress hurt or anger but this is being hidden.

Moving into your aware adult

When you are in your aware grown-up system, you become more conscious as to whether you are operating in a personal or impersonal state. You also learn to move from one side to the other as needed and to balance the two together. This provides a new kind of intimacy which is both personal and safe at the same time.

See Personal selves

See Personal and Impersonal pairs - introduction