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|Home | Voice Dialogue Explained | Try it Yourself |Getting Started| 1001 Inner Selves
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Example -
This self specialises in ‘knowing’ about anything requiring
special skills or experience, cars, computers, babies, health, finance, diet, politics,
plumbing, world peace, or whatever is his or her area of expertise. Like the other
knower selves it is driven by a strong need to let you know that it knows.
What’s behind knower behaviour?
To understand the knower’ selves (and to have any
chance of working with them) it is necessary first to appreciate that they are really
just a very strong cover for the person’s deeply painful underlying vulnerability
about ‘not knowing’ and his or her associated low level of self esteem.
Most have
a strong desire to ‘tell others’ about what they see and know and usually have much
to say on their chosen topic, driven by a need to have others accept a reality that
is close to theirs. The more people they can get to agree with them, the less vulnerable
they feel. This seems to be the only way they can offset their fear of ‘not knowing’.
Knowers can set up the worst bonding patterns
A deeper problem with a knower lies
in the damage done to relationships by the self’s parent-
You have already seen how ordinary one above or parent energy triggers other
people into strong negative bonding patterns. ‘Knower’ selves amplify this reaction.
This leads in turn to other forms of relationship havoc as protector selves on both
sides get involved in the battle!
The worst patterns in a relationship are when one
partner has a ‘specially entitled knower’ (a more extreme example of the parent psychologist)
and the other partner has a judging parent knower.
Case study -
We enter after Jack and Jill have already
got themselves stuck in an ordinary bonding pattern. (See previous explanation of
ordinary bonding patterns.) Now as things hot up, Jill’s one above parent psychologist
knower enters the fray,"You think you know everything Jack, but really you are so
unaware. When are you going to wake up and accept the truth about yourself?"
At first this triggers Jack into the opposite (I don’t know) child energy. He tries to defend himself but is handicapped by a sense of not knowing as much as Jill about the subject of ‘awareness’.
"I think I’m doing OK. What do you mean about not waking up?" (For a moment, Jack
feels like a dumb not knowing son, however as with all bonding patterns, Jack cannot
stay in this vulnerable position.
Jack’s knower, who is more of a judge than a psychologist
comes in to protect him. (My knower self at this stage says to remind you to read
the separate article about bonding patterns which explains why you can expect that
Jack will do things way.)
"You’re always telling me what’s wrong with me. You should have a look at your own
problems!"
This is surprisingly effective in undermining Jill’s psychologist knower
because underneath Jill is haunted by a sense deep down of not knowing. She goes
down under the attack feeling like a foolish I don’t know daughter. "I was just trying
to help you. I’m sorry"
The pattern will continue with each side taking it in turns
to judge or psychoanalyse the other, while both will be steadily driven deeper into
a sense of underlying vulnerability as their greatest fear of not knowing grows.
OTHER KNOWERS
The spiritual knower
This self has a need for you to take on his or her spiritual
beliefs, follow the same path or go to the same church.
Often, its claimed ‘vision’
is perhaps a little too clear to be realistic, but as a self it does provide some
protection from a deeper core pain connected to an underlying vulnerability about
‘not knowing’ whether they are truly on the right spiritual path.
Getting as many
others as possible to follow in its footsteps helps reduce the nagging uncertainty
about its chosen spirituality.
The psychic knower
Its knowing skills include the ability to read your innermost (or
most negative) thoughts with extreme accuracy. It is inclined to claim possesion
of rare but very powerful skills enabling them to analyse others.
This is the self that tells people, ‘I can tell exactly what you are thinking’ then
goes on to discuss your thoughts without checking whether its perception of what
it ‘knows’ has any connection with the your reality. (If this knower really knew
what you were thinking it would probably be keeping its mouth closed!)
Again look
for a core belief about ‘not really knowing’ and the associated inner pain ot a fear
of not being in control of their own lives.
See note below about the difference between the ‘knower’ and genuine ‘non-
The healer knower
A self that wants everyone to believe and accept that her or his
knowledge of health and healing techniques is specially empowered or unusually enlightened.
Offers unasked advice on exactly what you should do (or must never do) to maintain
good health or overcome your health problems. Some of this knower’s recommendations
may be quite unusual or even bizarre, but each time another person accepts the advice
the knower feels a little safer from its underlying fear that it might not be a true
and enlightened healer.
The true teacher knower
Of course some people have truly great wisdom or knowledge
or wonderful healing skills to share. In most cases they will offer these with caring
and kindness. They will not push too hard if you decline to accept their gift. You
will notice they also share a willingness to continue learning from others as long
as they are alive. They accept that whatever they might know will always be far less
than what they do not know and that much of what they think they know may or may
not be correct.
It is these characteristics that help distinguish the true teacher
from the person driven by his or her knower selves.
The ‘voice dialogue knower’.
This self is found for example in someone who who met Hal and Sidra Stone only once at a weekend seminar in 1992 where he or she discovered they possesed the 'miraculous power’ of being able to ‘facilitate’ other people’s selves.
For the record the ability to facilitate is anything but miraculous and it is not a "power". It is so easy it is to do basic facilitation. In fact, if there is no one handy at the time, even an empty chair can do a passable job as a facilitator! Someone who has a strong voice dialogue knower will actually have little success with anything other than basic facilitation.
The false knower
This self has information that could not possibly be correct but
insists that it must be true, then tries to force others to agree with it, to compensate
for its negative core beliefs about not knowing, not being right, being blamed or
being guilty.
Can a "Knower" self can also stand behind other selves?
Most selves normally prefer
to work alone as specialists, but sometimes one self seems to act as a 'front' for
another stronger self standing behind it.
I have been doing some re-
During a dialogue, Pushers and Judges, Critics, Rule makers, Caretakers and such,
often express a powerful sense of "knowing" as they go about their work. The energetic
similarity in each case appears to be that they each "know" what to do, how or when
to do it, or what is right or what is wrong.
Are we missing the point (energetically)
if we focus on and analyse a” Caretaking Parent" self that insists on looking after
you for example, without also recognising the powerful energy of the "knower" standing
behind it and who "knows" (better than you do) exactly what is needed to take care
of your needs?
It may help us become more aware of our own bonding patterns if we
can see when our negative reactions in such a case, are really being fuelled more
by the "knower" energy being projected from behind "The Parental Caretaker" rather
than by its up front caretaking approach.
In the same way, selves like the 'peacekeeper', 'pleaser', 'silly me' or 'don't rock
the boat', may have a strong 'I don't know' self standing behind them. Is it the
"I don't know" energy behind the "don't rock the boat" self that annoys us, rather
than its up front preference for peace and harmony.
No matter what self it is, if
it's projecting strong knower or not knower energy, that could be what causes the
clashes (negative bonding patterns) in relationships.
I don't know ...... what do you think?
Copyright © John Nutting 1996-
THE KNOWER GROUP
There are any number of knower selves. Typically knower selves have a strong analytical
and thinking or parent energy, an over-
They often give unasked for advice, pushing this even harder if it is rejected and an equally strong sense of authority, that can sound something like ‘I know more than you,I can can see more clearly than you, so naturally I have the right to tell you what is right and what isn’t.’ Knower selves express a profound confidence in their knowledge.
However in wanting to appear so certain they seldom allow room for the possibility
that they might be in error.